Crashing

I feel like my pain is sitting in my throat and whenever I try to speak it makes me want to cry instead. Our friend P came over to visit M today. He brought his 2 1/2 year old who also happens to be our god-daughter. I wish she was a horrible kid because then it would be so easy to swallow the pain and anger that comes up when I see her. But she's not horrible; she is a sweet, energetic, lovable little girl. Her birth marks the 10 month anniversary of her parents meeting. She was a "whoops" baby. Her mother, who only months before told me that she didn't want kids because they were smelly and loud, now wears the halo of the perfect mommy. It just kills me.

I was watching HGTV today (my favorite channel by far) and Sarah Richardson popped up to promote the new season of her show. I love her show but wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant. I can't watch it. I'm so angry. So sad. So frustrated.

I tried to talk to M about a dog today. I had my arguments all prepared but his words were "I really, really want to say yes but I just can't". What the hell does that mean?! We have a big backyard, I work from home, I like to walk and I've had dogs before but because he doesn't and hasn't, he is saying no. I need to baby something, damn it, and you know what it's like trying to get a cat to do anything if it wasn't their idea! Sigh. This sucks.