Recipe...mmmm

Avoiding

I'm avoiding IF. Every time I start to think about it, I push it to the back of my mind. I've had a list of things to do for over a week now. I've done all of them except one and that is to call the clinic and tell them we are game for one last DIUI with injectables. It's not even that I'm deciding not to make the call, I really am just forgetting. I'm ready for a break from all of this but the effects of the endo surgery are time sensitive so I know it's best to do it sooner rather than later. I know I have one more in me. I'm just really tired. Maybe I'll make the call tomorrow.

I've been really testy lately. Everything seems like a big deal and M especially is driving me crazy. Tonight he went off about how much it bugged him that I actually liked a whole wheat pizza crust that he thought tasted like cardboard. He's very supportive about the weight loss for the most part but I think now that I've shown significant success, he's feeling pressure about his own weight. I don't know...pms is right around the corner I can feel it. Blah.

On Saturday we are having R and W over for supper. They are amazing cooks and great hosts so I'm trying to plan a special meal. Here's the menu:

Soup: Golden Harvest Carrot (the most amazing pureed carrot and rice soup courtesy of my mom)

Main Course: Roast Chicken with lemon and fresh herbs, herb and white wine risotto, maple glazed carrots

Dessert: Dark chocolate and Chambord (blackberry liquor) mousse

All accompanied by wine of course :) I'm making the soup tomorrow to save some work since I work until 3 on saturday. I'm quite excited as this feels like the first "grown-up" dinner we've hosted in a long time. With M's surgery and me working evenings, meals have been whatever is easiest. Mmmmm

Life goes on

M's dad left on friday morning. I had to be up at 5:30 to take him to the airport. It was a good visit and he was a big help, especially with meals. It's a good thing my friday workload is light though because I felt like a zombie.

Life is slowing returning to normal. M is now officially not "living" in the living room anymore. He is able to unlock his leg brace and sit in a chair or get up and down from the bed which make both of us happy. This has been a very long and hard process but I think we're gonna make it. You can imagine what happened on friday night when 1. we were alone for the first time in 10 days and 2. were able to sleep in the same bed after 4 weeks :) I think I'm still smiling. We both really needed it.

The weight loss continues to go well. K and I did the teenaged girl thing and went to the mall last night. All of my pants were drooping and I was tired of always hiking them up! The good news is that I now wear a 14! Hooray! I think the girls working at the store must have wondered about all the giggling coming from the fitting room (left over from friday night?) but I just couldn't help it. I'm giddy. I bought a pair of black pants and a beautiful green sweater. One outfit only because I know I'm going to continue to lose weight. That's 2 sizes and 20 pounds down. I feel great.

I am grateful to have a lazy sunday alone with M. I love fall with it's warm days and cool nights. I only wish M could go for a walk. I think I'll make us a nice supper and give him a smooch.

That was yesterday, this is today

Yesterday, I finally fell apart. I seem to be the type of person who saves up all of the crap and holds on to it because it ain't pretty to have it all spilling out at an inopportune moment. It has been great having my FIL here. Practically, he has been a great help but it is difficult for me to show my uglies while he is here. Yesterday, he went for a walk and I sat down with M and almost immediately started crying. There is just so much pent up frustration, sadness, and guilt built into this whole process and there are times when I am physically in pain when I cry. It sits right in my chest and sometimes in my stomach like I've swallowed something sharp.

I have been bothered by the recent misfortune of fellow blogger who has been the target of anonymous posters who have labelled themselves anti-adoption. It saddens me that on top of dealing with IF and deciding to become an adoptive parent, she now has to defend herself and her decisions. If it were me, I would probably just ignore them but she has responded to them with dignity and respect and I admire her for it. I whole heartedly disagree many of the anti-adoption ideas (yes, I did read up... ) and I'm not going to add my thoughts to that discussion right now but I have difficulty with anti-adoption activists seeking out bloggers and bombarding them with negative comments.

I'm still trying to decide whether to do DIUI #8. There is one more sample left. I guess the big question for me is, should I do it even though I think it will fail?

M has agreed to open the dog discussions after he's on his feet again. This is exciting! Also, only a week and a half after S's cheating-ass bitch of a wife begged him to take her back, he caught her meeting HIM again and finally kicked her out. He seems to finally get it and seems ready to move on. I'm with him all the way.

So that was yesterday. Today looks better, brighter and I just might make it a good one.

Back to it

It's been a busy week. I've started working again and the week has just flown by. My FIL arrived and has been a big help, cooking suppers and cleaning up after M. Miraculously, M has decided that he CAN do so many things for himself that I was doing for him before. I feel a little bit bad that his dad came all this way to help and now M doesn't need quite as much babysitting.

I am coming to terms with the failure of the cycle. I've been so busy that its been hard to think about it for to long. I need to decide whether we will do one more DIUI cycle or not. If 7 failed, why would one more work?

I got the name of a social worker from a friend and will be looking into starting the adoption process. I know it can take a while so since we aren't able to continue IF treatments right now, we might as well do some paperwork. I've had the social worker's name for 8 months and I think I'm finally ready to explore adoption for real. We plan to try the child services route, first because the cost is government subsidized and second because even though it's hard to get an infant, it does happen and waiting is one thing we do know how to do. If we wait long enough we may have the $$$ by then to adopt privately, internationally, or do an IVF cycle. Lots to think about.

We are going over to R and W's for supper. They are amazing cooks and there is always plenty of wine to go around. I am really looking forward to it.

She rears her evil head

AF has arrived. I'm so angry. Not even my cat, Charlie, playing the piano (which he is currently doing) can make me feel better. I cried for the first time yesterday. I was precariously curled in M's lap, careful not to hurt his leg. I hate crying.

I cleaned like a mad woman and then got ready for my first day back at work. I really missed those kids. There is something comforting in their innocence. They ALWAYS make me forget for a little while. I love my job.

My FIL is coming tomorrow. I'll be staying with K while he's here. She's just upstairs so really it's just a place to sleep. Also, I think it will be a good break for me.

Bed time.

Crashing

I feel like my pain is sitting in my throat and whenever I try to speak it makes me want to cry instead. Our friend P came over to visit M today. He brought his 2 1/2 year old who also happens to be our god-daughter. I wish she was a horrible kid because then it would be so easy to swallow the pain and anger that comes up when I see her. But she's not horrible; she is a sweet, energetic, lovable little girl. Her birth marks the 10 month anniversary of her parents meeting. She was a "whoops" baby. Her mother, who only months before told me that she didn't want kids because they were smelly and loud, now wears the halo of the perfect mommy. It just kills me.

I was watching HGTV today (my favorite channel by far) and Sarah Richardson popped up to promote the new season of her show. I love her show but wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant. I can't watch it. I'm so angry. So sad. So frustrated.

I tried to talk to M about a dog today. I had my arguments all prepared but his words were "I really, really want to say yes but I just can't". What the hell does that mean?! We have a big backyard, I work from home, I like to walk and I've had dogs before but because he doesn't and hasn't, he is saying no. I need to baby something, damn it, and you know what it's like trying to get a cat to do anything if it wasn't their idea! Sigh. This sucks.

Doubt creeping in

I started spotting yesterday and this morning it was more. It's early for AF but I've been this early before. Today is CD 25 I'm trying to not read into it to much but I have to say that I don't have a good feeling about it. I'm feeling pretty discouraged.

The Name Game

The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Cat Maxima

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Vanilla Kitten Heel

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Aqua Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Dawn Nanaimo

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Jonkr

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Coffee

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Charles James

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Notorious Juice Berries (LOL!)

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Falk Frankfurt

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Lysiantha

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Cherry Capris (I love it!)

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): French Toast Arbutus

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Mitzy Uplands (More porn than anything I think)

Your turn!

Silly story

Yesterday I was looking out my kitchen window and I saw three squirrels desperately trying to break into the netting surrounding my tomato plants. As they circled the plot, I saw one squirrel pick up a clump of dried grass with something shiny in it and carry it from place to place with him. I went out to investigate and to get them away from my tomatoes (last year they stole ALL of them). The squirrel dropped his shiny prize and I picked it up. It was pair of pristine mens Versace glasses! Can you imagine leaving your glasses outside for a minute and having a squirrel scamper off with them! Too funny.

We are closing in on the beta. I've only ever made it to the beta once before. AF is due to arrive on the 9th. Beta is on the 13th. I have progesterone/pregnancy symptoms but I've had that with almost every cycle. I guess we'll see. I've learned not to torture myself playing the symptoms game.  Just wait it out.

It still sucks.

On the good news front. FIL is coming for ten days while I get back to work. I'm not sure I could have handled my MIL so this is great. He will be a big help and we get along very well. Other good news that may be TMI...M has now resumed being able to use the toilet over a bedpan. You have no idea the joy and relief this brings me! I don't remember bedpans in the marriage vows ;)

Feelin' the love

Thank you for all of your kind words of encouragement. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this. I have been a reader in the blog world for a long time and now that I have found my footing, I find being a blogger to be quite therapeutic. A lot has happened today! Here's an update:

1. I took M to his physiotherapy appointment. It was a huge ordeal getting him out of the house and into the car but we did it. We arrived at the appointment only to be told that they didn't like the look of his incision (it has been bleeding on and off) so they sent us to his surgeon's clinic. I load him into the car again and then roll up to the clinic parking lot where a snarky looking women informs me that it will be $4.00 to park. I realize, especially living where I do, that $4.00 is relatively cheap parking for an afternoon but in this case she only took cash. Shit. Do you think that I could scrounge up $4.00? Nope. She made me promise to pay on the way out and in we went. Four hours later...her head is turned and I do something my goody-two shoes conscience will hate me for...I drive right past her booth and step on it. That's right, folks. That's as reckless as I get. Running out on $4.00.

2. We found out that M will be non-load bearing for not 3 but 6 whole weeks. Sigh. Nurse K is on duty, bedpans and all.

3. We actually called my MIL to ask her to fly across the country and help us out when I go back to work next week. I think I have a death wish.

4. S took his cheating-ass bitch of a wife back. This may sound positive but wait...this is the 3rd affair in a 4 year marriage aaaaaaannnnnd she tells him it's his fault for not satisfying her. I don't even know what to say except that I hope I never meet her in a dark alley.

5. I have the cutest cats on the planet and they are one of the only reasons I have to smile lately. This WILL get better.

Plan B...and C...and possibly D

I met with our Dr. today to discuss our fertility future. She wants us to do one more Puregon cycle if this one fails. I agreed that with the extra sample we already bought, it did make sense. Unfortunately, we don't have the money for Puregon so the only way we would be able to do it would be if the drug were donated (yet again). I wonder if we are a true charity case or if accepting the drug means a more deserving or needy couple will have to go without. In any case should this cycle fail, we'll do one more with either donated Puregon or Clomid. I am so tired of this road. IVF is so far out of reach financially. In fact everything seems pretty far out of reach right now.

Here I am, basically assuming this cycle will fail. What's wrong with me! My Dr. told me to reduce my stress level. I wish I knew how. I have so much on my plate.

I did have some fun today. K decided to join eHarmony and asked me to take a few pictures of her. She is very cautious but I think it's a great move for her. Plus, I think she's a catch! We had a fun photo shoot in the backyard and I thought we got a couple of really good pictures.

Tomorrow, I have to take M to the hospital for an appointment. It should be a bit of an ordeal but if we take it slow, I think getting him there and back should be fine. Men who are 6'9" were not meant to lose the use of one leg!