Crashing

I feel like my pain is sitting in my throat and whenever I try to speak it makes me want to cry instead. Our friend P came over to visit M today. He brought his 2 1/2 year old who also happens to be our god-daughter. I wish she was a horrible kid because then it would be so easy to swallow the pain and anger that comes up when I see her. But she's not horrible; she is a sweet, energetic, lovable little girl. Her birth marks the 10 month anniversary of her parents meeting. She was a "whoops" baby. Her mother, who only months before told me that she didn't want kids because they were smelly and loud, now wears the halo of the perfect mommy. It just kills me.

I was watching HGTV today (my favorite channel by far) and Sarah Richardson popped up to promote the new season of her show. I love her show but wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant. I can't watch it. I'm so angry. So sad. So frustrated.

I tried to talk to M about a dog today. I had my arguments all prepared but his words were "I really, really want to say yes but I just can't". What the hell does that mean?! We have a big backyard, I work from home, I like to walk and I've had dogs before but because he doesn't and hasn't, he is saying no. I need to baby something, damn it, and you know what it's like trying to get a cat to do anything if it wasn't their idea! Sigh. This sucks.

Sore boobs and all

I lost my temper with M yesterday. It seems every cycle he accuses me of being overly pessimistic about the outcome. I believe his exact words are "If you don't think it's going to work, why do we do it?"

I see it as being realistic. After all the odds ARE against us. What makes me so angry and hurt is that his question comes across as him doubting my commitment to the whole IF process. Do you think I would pump myself full of drugs and sit with my feet in stirrups far to often for nothing?! I tried to explain that the "realism" is simply a safeguard for me. I am simply trying to make it hurt a little bit less when a cycle doesn't work. I don't know. I know no one is reading this but do you think realism can sabotage a cycle? I sure as hell don't. It is out of my hands. It will happen or it won't.

My boobs feel like they are going to explode. This is normal for me on the progesterone but it's still uncomfortable. 14 days to go until beta. I usually get AF before then. I guess we'll see.

After we had calmed down and worked things out, I talked to M about getting a dog if this cycle doesn't work. For the first time he didn't immediately shoot the idea down. This makes me hopeful. I need something to look forward to if we are going to put IF on the back burner. Here are my two hopes:

1. This cycle works and our dream comes true.

2. In the event of this cycle failing I am able to bring home a love hungry pooch who will hang on my every word and force me to go outside.

I don't think that is to much to ask.

Hello?

I am going to assume that you don't know me. If you think you do, please don't let on. This is far more for my benefit than anything else. I've been inspired by another blogger and I hope that this serves as an outlet for the mess that flies around in my head. Here is a brief summary of the recent events in my life.

When my husband and I married in 2002 we agreed to wait three years before having children. I, however, heard motherhood calling about a year into our marriage. After much convincing on my part, we decide that I would go off birth control and half-heartedly tried the rhythm method. We moved across the country, I started an exciting new business and we kind of put in at the back of our minds. We went on like this until January 2006. We both had a feeling that it was no fluke that I wasn't getting pregnant. I went through the myriad of tests; HSG, blood tests, ultrasounds, but came up with nothing. Finally, my fertility specialist decided to test my husband. I remember, after they requested a second semen sample, the Dr. called us and asked us to come in. She explained that my husband's sperm count was 0. We were devastated. My husband decide to try a testicular biopsy but that also came up negative for any sperm.

We are now in the process of using donor sperm. I am on my 2nd non-medicated IUI. I am supposed to get my period either tomorrow or Sat. I am filled with doubt. After the the 1st attempt failed, I took a nose dive. I felt so hopeless. Will this ever work? I am so tired of people telling to stay positive. Do they not realize that I have wanted to be a mom for 4 years? I feel like every friend of ours that gets pregnant and shares how it was their "first try!" is getting farther and farther from us because I just can be around that with out feeling like crying. I knew that I would be sad in this process but what I didn't expect was the anger.

Whew! How's that for a first post!? Onward.