Recipe...mmmm

Avoiding

I'm avoiding IF. Every time I start to think about it, I push it to the back of my mind. I've had a list of things to do for over a week now. I've done all of them except one and that is to call the clinic and tell them we are game for one last DIUI with injectables. It's not even that I'm deciding not to make the call, I really am just forgetting. I'm ready for a break from all of this but the effects of the endo surgery are time sensitive so I know it's best to do it sooner rather than later. I know I have one more in me. I'm just really tired. Maybe I'll make the call tomorrow.

I've been really testy lately. Everything seems like a big deal and M especially is driving me crazy. Tonight he went off about how much it bugged him that I actually liked a whole wheat pizza crust that he thought tasted like cardboard. He's very supportive about the weight loss for the most part but I think now that I've shown significant success, he's feeling pressure about his own weight. I don't know...pms is right around the corner I can feel it. Blah.

On Saturday we are having R and W over for supper. They are amazing cooks and great hosts so I'm trying to plan a special meal. Here's the menu:

Soup: Golden Harvest Carrot (the most amazing pureed carrot and rice soup courtesy of my mom)

Main Course: Roast Chicken with lemon and fresh herbs, herb and white wine risotto, maple glazed carrots

Dessert: Dark chocolate and Chambord (blackberry liquor) mousse

All accompanied by wine of course :) I'm making the soup tomorrow to save some work since I work until 3 on saturday. I'm quite excited as this feels like the first "grown-up" dinner we've hosted in a long time. With M's surgery and me working evenings, meals have been whatever is easiest. Mmmmm

Life goes on

M's dad left on friday morning. I had to be up at 5:30 to take him to the airport. It was a good visit and he was a big help, especially with meals. It's a good thing my friday workload is light though because I felt like a zombie.

Life is slowing returning to normal. M is now officially not "living" in the living room anymore. He is able to unlock his leg brace and sit in a chair or get up and down from the bed which make both of us happy. This has been a very long and hard process but I think we're gonna make it. You can imagine what happened on friday night when 1. we were alone for the first time in 10 days and 2. were able to sleep in the same bed after 4 weeks :) I think I'm still smiling. We both really needed it.

The weight loss continues to go well. K and I did the teenaged girl thing and went to the mall last night. All of my pants were drooping and I was tired of always hiking them up! The good news is that I now wear a 14! Hooray! I think the girls working at the store must have wondered about all the giggling coming from the fitting room (left over from friday night?) but I just couldn't help it. I'm giddy. I bought a pair of black pants and a beautiful green sweater. One outfit only because I know I'm going to continue to lose weight. That's 2 sizes and 20 pounds down. I feel great.

I am grateful to have a lazy sunday alone with M. I love fall with it's warm days and cool nights. I only wish M could go for a walk. I think I'll make us a nice supper and give him a smooch.

That was yesterday, this is today

Yesterday, I finally fell apart. I seem to be the type of person who saves up all of the crap and holds on to it because it ain't pretty to have it all spilling out at an inopportune moment. It has been great having my FIL here. Practically, he has been a great help but it is difficult for me to show my uglies while he is here. Yesterday, he went for a walk and I sat down with M and almost immediately started crying. There is just so much pent up frustration, sadness, and guilt built into this whole process and there are times when I am physically in pain when I cry. It sits right in my chest and sometimes in my stomach like I've swallowed something sharp.

I have been bothered by the recent misfortune of fellow blogger who has been the target of anonymous posters who have labelled themselves anti-adoption. It saddens me that on top of dealing with IF and deciding to become an adoptive parent, she now has to defend herself and her decisions. If it were me, I would probably just ignore them but she has responded to them with dignity and respect and I admire her for it. I whole heartedly disagree many of the anti-adoption ideas (yes, I did read up... ) and I'm not going to add my thoughts to that discussion right now but I have difficulty with anti-adoption activists seeking out bloggers and bombarding them with negative comments.

I'm still trying to decide whether to do DIUI #8. There is one more sample left. I guess the big question for me is, should I do it even though I think it will fail?

M has agreed to open the dog discussions after he's on his feet again. This is exciting! Also, only a week and a half after S's cheating-ass bitch of a wife begged him to take her back, he caught her meeting HIM again and finally kicked her out. He seems to finally get it and seems ready to move on. I'm with him all the way.

So that was yesterday. Today looks better, brighter and I just might make it a good one.

Back to it

It's been a busy week. I've started working again and the week has just flown by. My FIL arrived and has been a big help, cooking suppers and cleaning up after M. Miraculously, M has decided that he CAN do so many things for himself that I was doing for him before. I feel a little bit bad that his dad came all this way to help and now M doesn't need quite as much babysitting.

I am coming to terms with the failure of the cycle. I've been so busy that its been hard to think about it for to long. I need to decide whether we will do one more DIUI cycle or not. If 7 failed, why would one more work?

I got the name of a social worker from a friend and will be looking into starting the adoption process. I know it can take a while so since we aren't able to continue IF treatments right now, we might as well do some paperwork. I've had the social worker's name for 8 months and I think I'm finally ready to explore adoption for real. We plan to try the child services route, first because the cost is government subsidized and second because even though it's hard to get an infant, it does happen and waiting is one thing we do know how to do. If we wait long enough we may have the $$$ by then to adopt privately, internationally, or do an IVF cycle. Lots to think about.

We are going over to R and W's for supper. They are amazing cooks and there is always plenty of wine to go around. I am really looking forward to it.