That was yesterday, this is today

Yesterday, I finally fell apart. I seem to be the type of person who saves up all of the crap and holds on to it because it ain't pretty to have it all spilling out at an inopportune moment. It has been great having my FIL here. Practically, he has been a great help but it is difficult for me to show my uglies while he is here. Yesterday, he went for a walk and I sat down with M and almost immediately started crying. There is just so much pent up frustration, sadness, and guilt built into this whole process and there are times when I am physically in pain when I cry. It sits right in my chest and sometimes in my stomach like I've swallowed something sharp.

I have been bothered by the recent misfortune of fellow blogger who has been the target of anonymous posters who have labelled themselves anti-adoption. It saddens me that on top of dealing with IF and deciding to become an adoptive parent, she now has to defend herself and her decisions. If it were me, I would probably just ignore them but she has responded to them with dignity and respect and I admire her for it. I whole heartedly disagree many of the anti-adoption ideas (yes, I did read up... ) and I'm not going to add my thoughts to that discussion right now but I have difficulty with anti-adoption activists seeking out bloggers and bombarding them with negative comments.

I'm still trying to decide whether to do DIUI #8. There is one more sample left. I guess the big question for me is, should I do it even though I think it will fail?

M has agreed to open the dog discussions after he's on his feet again. This is exciting! Also, only a week and a half after S's cheating-ass bitch of a wife begged him to take her back, he caught her meeting HIM again and finally kicked her out. He seems to finally get it and seems ready to move on. I'm with him all the way.

So that was yesterday. Today looks better, brighter and I just might make it a good one.

Crashing

I feel like my pain is sitting in my throat and whenever I try to speak it makes me want to cry instead. Our friend P came over to visit M today. He brought his 2 1/2 year old who also happens to be our god-daughter. I wish she was a horrible kid because then it would be so easy to swallow the pain and anger that comes up when I see her. But she's not horrible; she is a sweet, energetic, lovable little girl. Her birth marks the 10 month anniversary of her parents meeting. She was a "whoops" baby. Her mother, who only months before told me that she didn't want kids because they were smelly and loud, now wears the halo of the perfect mommy. It just kills me.

I was watching HGTV today (my favorite channel by far) and Sarah Richardson popped up to promote the new season of her show. I love her show but wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant. I can't watch it. I'm so angry. So sad. So frustrated.

I tried to talk to M about a dog today. I had my arguments all prepared but his words were "I really, really want to say yes but I just can't". What the hell does that mean?! We have a big backyard, I work from home, I like to walk and I've had dogs before but because he doesn't and hasn't, he is saying no. I need to baby something, damn it, and you know what it's like trying to get a cat to do anything if it wasn't their idea! Sigh. This sucks.

Sore boobs and all

I lost my temper with M yesterday. It seems every cycle he accuses me of being overly pessimistic about the outcome. I believe his exact words are "If you don't think it's going to work, why do we do it?"

I see it as being realistic. After all the odds ARE against us. What makes me so angry and hurt is that his question comes across as him doubting my commitment to the whole IF process. Do you think I would pump myself full of drugs and sit with my feet in stirrups far to often for nothing?! I tried to explain that the "realism" is simply a safeguard for me. I am simply trying to make it hurt a little bit less when a cycle doesn't work. I don't know. I know no one is reading this but do you think realism can sabotage a cycle? I sure as hell don't. It is out of my hands. It will happen or it won't.

My boobs feel like they are going to explode. This is normal for me on the progesterone but it's still uncomfortable. 14 days to go until beta. I usually get AF before then. I guess we'll see.

After we had calmed down and worked things out, I talked to M about getting a dog if this cycle doesn't work. For the first time he didn't immediately shoot the idea down. This makes me hopeful. I need something to look forward to if we are going to put IF on the back burner. Here are my two hopes:

1. This cycle works and our dream comes true.

2. In the event of this cycle failing I am able to bring home a love hungry pooch who will hang on my every word and force me to go outside.

I don't think that is to much to ask.