Life goes on

M's dad left on friday morning. I had to be up at 5:30 to take him to the airport. It was a good visit and he was a big help, especially with meals. It's a good thing my friday workload is light though because I felt like a zombie.

Life is slowing returning to normal. M is now officially not "living" in the living room anymore. He is able to unlock his leg brace and sit in a chair or get up and down from the bed which make both of us happy. This has been a very long and hard process but I think we're gonna make it. You can imagine what happened on friday night when 1. we were alone for the first time in 10 days and 2. were able to sleep in the same bed after 4 weeks :) I think I'm still smiling. We both really needed it.

The weight loss continues to go well. K and I did the teenaged girl thing and went to the mall last night. All of my pants were drooping and I was tired of always hiking them up! The good news is that I now wear a 14! Hooray! I think the girls working at the store must have wondered about all the giggling coming from the fitting room (left over from friday night?) but I just couldn't help it. I'm giddy. I bought a pair of black pants and a beautiful green sweater. One outfit only because I know I'm going to continue to lose weight. That's 2 sizes and 20 pounds down. I feel great.

I am grateful to have a lazy sunday alone with M. I love fall with it's warm days and cool nights. I only wish M could go for a walk. I think I'll make us a nice supper and give him a smooch.

That was yesterday, this is today

Yesterday, I finally fell apart. I seem to be the type of person who saves up all of the crap and holds on to it because it ain't pretty to have it all spilling out at an inopportune moment. It has been great having my FIL here. Practically, he has been a great help but it is difficult for me to show my uglies while he is here. Yesterday, he went for a walk and I sat down with M and almost immediately started crying. There is just so much pent up frustration, sadness, and guilt built into this whole process and there are times when I am physically in pain when I cry. It sits right in my chest and sometimes in my stomach like I've swallowed something sharp.

I have been bothered by the recent misfortune of fellow blogger who has been the target of anonymous posters who have labelled themselves anti-adoption. It saddens me that on top of dealing with IF and deciding to become an adoptive parent, she now has to defend herself and her decisions. If it were me, I would probably just ignore them but she has responded to them with dignity and respect and I admire her for it. I whole heartedly disagree many of the anti-adoption ideas (yes, I did read up... ) and I'm not going to add my thoughts to that discussion right now but I have difficulty with anti-adoption activists seeking out bloggers and bombarding them with negative comments.

I'm still trying to decide whether to do DIUI #8. There is one more sample left. I guess the big question for me is, should I do it even though I think it will fail?

M has agreed to open the dog discussions after he's on his feet again. This is exciting! Also, only a week and a half after S's cheating-ass bitch of a wife begged him to take her back, he caught her meeting HIM again and finally kicked her out. He seems to finally get it and seems ready to move on. I'm with him all the way.

So that was yesterday. Today looks better, brighter and I just might make it a good one.

Back to it

It's been a busy week. I've started working again and the week has just flown by. My FIL arrived and has been a big help, cooking suppers and cleaning up after M. Miraculously, M has decided that he CAN do so many things for himself that I was doing for him before. I feel a little bit bad that his dad came all this way to help and now M doesn't need quite as much babysitting.

I am coming to terms with the failure of the cycle. I've been so busy that its been hard to think about it for to long. I need to decide whether we will do one more DIUI cycle or not. If 7 failed, why would one more work?

I got the name of a social worker from a friend and will be looking into starting the adoption process. I know it can take a while so since we aren't able to continue IF treatments right now, we might as well do some paperwork. I've had the social worker's name for 8 months and I think I'm finally ready to explore adoption for real. We plan to try the child services route, first because the cost is government subsidized and second because even though it's hard to get an infant, it does happen and waiting is one thing we do know how to do. If we wait long enough we may have the $$$ by then to adopt privately, internationally, or do an IVF cycle. Lots to think about.

We are going over to R and W's for supper. They are amazing cooks and there is always plenty of wine to go around. I am really looking forward to it.

She rears her evil head

AF has arrived. I'm so angry. Not even my cat, Charlie, playing the piano (which he is currently doing) can make me feel better. I cried for the first time yesterday. I was precariously curled in M's lap, careful not to hurt his leg. I hate crying.

I cleaned like a mad woman and then got ready for my first day back at work. I really missed those kids. There is something comforting in their innocence. They ALWAYS make me forget for a little while. I love my job.

My FIL is coming tomorrow. I'll be staying with K while he's here. She's just upstairs so really it's just a place to sleep. Also, I think it will be a good break for me.

Bed time.

Crashing

I feel like my pain is sitting in my throat and whenever I try to speak it makes me want to cry instead. Our friend P came over to visit M today. He brought his 2 1/2 year old who also happens to be our god-daughter. I wish she was a horrible kid because then it would be so easy to swallow the pain and anger that comes up when I see her. But she's not horrible; she is a sweet, energetic, lovable little girl. Her birth marks the 10 month anniversary of her parents meeting. She was a "whoops" baby. Her mother, who only months before told me that she didn't want kids because they were smelly and loud, now wears the halo of the perfect mommy. It just kills me.

I was watching HGTV today (my favorite channel by far) and Sarah Richardson popped up to promote the new season of her show. I love her show but wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant. I can't watch it. I'm so angry. So sad. So frustrated.

I tried to talk to M about a dog today. I had my arguments all prepared but his words were "I really, really want to say yes but I just can't". What the hell does that mean?! We have a big backyard, I work from home, I like to walk and I've had dogs before but because he doesn't and hasn't, he is saying no. I need to baby something, damn it, and you know what it's like trying to get a cat to do anything if it wasn't their idea! Sigh. This sucks.