Back again

So here I am again, almost a year later. I'm not sure why I didn't continue writing after the first post. Life gets in the way I guess. We are about to attempt our 7th donor IUI. This time with more drugs. We've decided this will be the last IUI before moving on to IVF. The injections aren't bad. Not fun either. I'm proud of myself for giving myself a needle! I am trying to remain optimistic. If this IUI doesn't work we will be taking an extended break before attempting IVF. With M trying to finish his PhD it is just not financially viable to continue. It really feels like shutting a door and that is scary

This will be a hectic week. M is going for major knee surgery right around the time that I start the daily b/w and u/s. I'm trying my best just to breath through it all but I admit I am stressed. We are both scared of the surgery. It is a 3-4 month recovery and I worry about being able to help him through it. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the accountant and I feel disorganized. I should have time to gather everything after my early morning b/w. I hate dealing with money.

It has been a good summer. We've done a lot of fun things and for the most part it has been very care free. I feel so lucky to have a job that allows me 8 weeks off. I needed it. September is going to hit me hard I think. Even though I am looking forward to seeing all the kids, I worry about my lack of energy and also worried that if this cycle doesn't work, I will be in a bad headspace to jump into full time work again. In the end I'll just get through I guess. I have 'til now and I'm still here and manage to laugh on a regular basis. Here we go...

Hello?

I am going to assume that you don't know me. If you think you do, please don't let on. This is far more for my benefit than anything else. I've been inspired by another blogger and I hope that this serves as an outlet for the mess that flies around in my head. Here is a brief summary of the recent events in my life.

When my husband and I married in 2002 we agreed to wait three years before having children. I, however, heard motherhood calling about a year into our marriage. After much convincing on my part, we decide that I would go off birth control and half-heartedly tried the rhythm method. We moved across the country, I started an exciting new business and we kind of put in at the back of our minds. We went on like this until January 2006. We both had a feeling that it was no fluke that I wasn't getting pregnant. I went through the myriad of tests; HSG, blood tests, ultrasounds, but came up with nothing. Finally, my fertility specialist decided to test my husband. I remember, after they requested a second semen sample, the Dr. called us and asked us to come in. She explained that my husband's sperm count was 0. We were devastated. My husband decide to try a testicular biopsy but that also came up negative for any sperm.

We are now in the process of using donor sperm. I am on my 2nd non-medicated IUI. I am supposed to get my period either tomorrow or Sat. I am filled with doubt. After the the 1st attempt failed, I took a nose dive. I felt so hopeless. Will this ever work? I am so tired of people telling to stay positive. Do they not realize that I have wanted to be a mom for 4 years? I feel like every friend of ours that gets pregnant and shares how it was their "first try!" is getting farther and farther from us because I just can be around that with out feeling like crying. I knew that I would be sad in this process but what I didn't expect was the anger.

Whew! How's that for a first post!? Onward.