Turning a corner

I found out tonight that our good friends L and M are pregnant with their first. I think for the first time ever, I was actually, truthfully, ok with it. I didn't cry (I may later) and I was able to talk to L about it very openly. They called us first...they wanted us to hear it from them and I am so grateful. I think M took it harder than I did. Maybe this is what moving on feels like.

Ps...Juan rocked!

25 down, 30 to go

Thanksgiving went really well. The food was terrific and there was lots of it. I ate a little of everything and was more than satisfied. Mmmmm. A happy start to the day was my weigh-in in the morning. I have officially lost 10% of my body weight (my first goal) which is 25 pounds! Hooray for me!

I went in for day 10 b/w today so the insemination will probably happen Monday. I feel like it's simply going through the motions. Of course I hope that it will work but there won't be an ounce of surprise if it doesn't.

S told us on Sunday that his soon to be ex has announced that she is pregnant. This came as a huge shock to everyone. It is NOT S's baby. She has stage 4 endometriosis and she and S had tried IVF in the spring but it didn't work so this is pretty unbelievable. Every once in a while, the "F" word worms its way back into my head and even though I know it's not rational, all I want to do it stamp my foot and scream "IT"S NOT FAIR!!!!"

K finally went on a date with one of her eharmony men. She had such a good time and is going to see him again. Yeah! I love dating vicariously!

I'm excited for my dance lesson to night with Juan. Even though he's barely boob height, just mentioning that I'm "dancing the tango with Juan" makes me feel saucy ;)

Cars, Clomid and Conundrums

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I've had absolutely zero time to myself lately. The only reason I have a little time now is because I went to take M to his appointment this morning and our car was dead. I'm hoping it is just the battery but with our luck we'll be forking out more hard earned cash than we can afford right now. K (the saint that she is) gave him a ride and quite unexpectedly I have the house to myself for the first time in 6 weeks! I'm thinking coffee and some trashy tv is in order.

AF is here again with mind-blowing cramps. DIUI cycle #8 has begun, this time I'm just taking clomid. Puregon is just not in the budget. Here is the scary truth...lately I've actually been considering a child-free life. I feel a tremendous guilt about even thinking it. It's as if I am accusing myself of not want a baby enough because if I truly wanted one then I would keep pressing on. Maybe I am just tired. I struggle so much with the financial aspect of this. It is frustrating to think that people who have more money are able to buy better drugs and attempt more effective procedures. I know that the only reason we aren't doing IVF is because we don't have $10000. Once M secures tenure then IVF is an option but I I think 5 years is an optimistic goal for that. This is all so difficult. Either way, we will do this final cycle so that I can close the book for a while. Maybe it will work.

Next weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. We are have K and S over. Mmmm! I can't wait for turkey and stuffing. I am making pumpkin pie. I absolutely LOVE pumpkin pie. PS...I'm taking the day off from weight watchers!

Recipe...mmmm

Avoiding

I'm avoiding IF. Every time I start to think about it, I push it to the back of my mind. I've had a list of things to do for over a week now. I've done all of them except one and that is to call the clinic and tell them we are game for one last DIUI with injectables. It's not even that I'm deciding not to make the call, I really am just forgetting. I'm ready for a break from all of this but the effects of the endo surgery are time sensitive so I know it's best to do it sooner rather than later. I know I have one more in me. I'm just really tired. Maybe I'll make the call tomorrow.

I've been really testy lately. Everything seems like a big deal and M especially is driving me crazy. Tonight he went off about how much it bugged him that I actually liked a whole wheat pizza crust that he thought tasted like cardboard. He's very supportive about the weight loss for the most part but I think now that I've shown significant success, he's feeling pressure about his own weight. I don't know...pms is right around the corner I can feel it. Blah.

On Saturday we are having R and W over for supper. They are amazing cooks and great hosts so I'm trying to plan a special meal. Here's the menu:

Soup: Golden Harvest Carrot (the most amazing pureed carrot and rice soup courtesy of my mom)

Main Course: Roast Chicken with lemon and fresh herbs, herb and white wine risotto, maple glazed carrots

Dessert: Dark chocolate and Chambord (blackberry liquor) mousse

All accompanied by wine of course :) I'm making the soup tomorrow to save some work since I work until 3 on saturday. I'm quite excited as this feels like the first "grown-up" dinner we've hosted in a long time. With M's surgery and me working evenings, meals have been whatever is easiest. Mmmmm