The Empress Strikes Back

Turning a corner

2008-10-14T23:18:00.003-04:00

I found out tonight that our good friends L and M are pregnant with their first. I think for the first time ever, I was actually, truthfully, ok with it. I didn't cry (I may later) and I was able to talk to L about it very openly. They called us first...they wanted us to hear it from them and I am so grateful. I think M took it harder than I did. Maybe this is what moving on feels like.

Ps...Juan rocked!

25 down, 30 to go

2008-10-14T14:53:00.003-04:00

Thanksgiving went really well. The food was terrific and there was lots of it. I ate a little of everything and was more than satisfied. Mmmmm. A happy start to the day was my weigh-in in the morning. I have officially lost 10% of my body weight (my first goal) which is 25 pounds! Hooray for me!

I went in for day 10 b/w today so the insemination will probably happen Monday. I feel like it's simply going through the motions. Of course I hope that it will work but there won't be an ounce of surprise if it doesn't.

S told us on Sunday that his soon to be ex has announced that she is pregnant. This came as a huge shock to everyone. It is NOT S's baby. She has stage 4 endometriosis and she and S had tried IVF in the spring but it didn't work so this is pretty unbelievable. Every once in a while, the "F" word worms its way back into my head and even though I know it's not rational, all I want to do it stamp my foot and scream "IT"S NOT FAIR!!!!"

K finally went on a date with one of her eharmony men. She had such a good time and is going to see him again. Yeah! I love dating vicariously!

I'm excited for my dance lesson to night with Juan. Even though he's barely boob height, just mentioning that I'm "dancing the tango with Juan" makes me feel saucy ;)

Cars, Clomid and Conundrums

2008-10-06T08:22:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I've had absolutely zero time to myself lately. The only reason I have a little time now is because I went to take M to his appointment this morning and our car was dead. I'm hoping it is just the battery but with our luck we'll be forking out more hard earned cash than we can afford right now. K (the saint that she is) gave him a ride and quite unexpectedly I have the house to myself for the first time in 6 weeks! I'm thinking coffee and some trashy tv is in order.

AF is here again with mind-blowing cramps. DIUI cycle #8 has begun, this time I'm just taking clomid. Puregon is just not in the budget. Here is the scary truth...lately I've actually been considering a child-free life. I feel a tremendous guilt about even thinking it. It's as if I am accusing myself of not want a baby enough because if I truly wanted one then I would keep pressing on. Maybe I am just tired. I struggle so much with the financial aspect of this. It is frustrating to think that people who have more money are able to buy better drugs and attempt more effective procedures. I know that the only reason we aren't doing IVF is because we don't have $10000. Once M secures tenure then IVF is an option but I I think 5 years is an optimistic goal for that. This is all so difficult. Either way, we will do this final cycle so that I can close the book for a while. Maybe it will work.

Next weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. We are have K and S over. Mmmm! I can't wait for turkey and stuffing. I am making pumpkin pie. I absolutely LOVE pumpkin pie. PS...I'm taking the day off from weight watchers!

Recipe...mmmm

2008-09-26T22:05:00.002-04:00

Avoiding

2008-09-25T22:16:00.002-04:00

I'm avoiding IF. Every time I start to think about it, I push it to the back of my mind. I've had a list of things to do for over a week now. I've done all of them except one and that is to call the clinic and tell them we are game for one last DIUI with injectables. It's not even that I'm deciding not to make the call, I really am just forgetting. I'm ready for a break from all of this but the effects of the endo surgery are time sensitive so I know it's best to do it sooner rather than later. I know I have one more in me. I'm just really tired. Maybe I'll make the call tomorrow.

I've been really testy lately. Everything seems like a big deal and M especially is driving me crazy. Tonight he went off about how much it bugged him that I actually liked a whole wheat pizza crust that he thought tasted like cardboard. He's very supportive about the weight loss for the most part but I think now that I've shown significant success, he's feeling pressure about his own weight. I don't know...pms is right around the corner I can feel it. Blah.

On Saturday we are having R and W over for supper. They are amazing cooks and great hosts so I'm trying to plan a special meal. Here's the menu:

Soup: Golden Harvest Carrot (the most amazing pureed carrot and rice soup courtesy of my mom)

Main Course: Roast Chicken with lemon and fresh herbs, herb and white wine risotto, maple glazed carrots

Dessert: Dark chocolate and Chambord (blackberry liquor) mousse

All accompanied by wine of course :) I'm making the soup tomorrow to save some work since I work until 3 on saturday. I'm quite excited as this feels like the first "grown-up" dinner we've hosted in a long time. With M's surgery and me working evenings, meals have been whatever is easiest. Mmmmm

Life goes on

2008-09-21T09:40:00.003-04:00

M's dad left on friday morning. I had to be up at 5:30 to take him to the airport. It was a good visit and he was a big help, especially with meals. It's a good thing my friday workload is light though because I felt like a zombie.

Life is slowing returning to normal. M is now officially not "living" in the living room anymore. He is able to unlock his leg brace and sit in a chair or get up and down from the bed which make both of us happy. This has been a very long and hard process but I think we're gonna make it. You can imagine what happened on friday night when 1. we were alone for the first time in 10 days and 2. were able to sleep in the same bed after 4 weeks :) I think I'm still smiling. We both really needed it.

The weight loss continues to go well. K and I did the teenaged girl thing and went to the mall last night. All of my pants were drooping and I was tired of always hiking them up! The good news is that I now wear a 14! Hooray! I think the girls working at the store must have wondered about all the giggling coming from the fitting room (left over from friday night?) but I just couldn't help it. I'm giddy. I bought a pair of black pants and a beautiful green sweater. One outfit only because I know I'm going to continue to lose weight. That's 2 sizes and 20 pounds down. I feel great.

I am grateful to have a lazy sunday alone with M. I love fall with it's warm days and cool nights. I only wish M could go for a walk. I think I'll make us a nice supper and give him a smooch.

That was yesterday, this is today

2008-09-16T09:17:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I finally fell apart. I seem to be the type of person who saves up all of the crap and holds on to it because it ain't pretty to have it all spilling out at an inopportune moment. It has been great having my FIL here. Practically, he has been a great help but it is difficult for me to show my uglies while he is here. Yesterday, he went for a walk and I sat down with M and almost immediately started crying. There is just so much pent up frustration, sadness, and guilt built into this whole process and there are times when I am physically in pain when I cry. It sits right in my chest and sometimes in my stomach like I've swallowed something sharp.

I have been bothered by the recent misfortune of fellow blogger who has been the target of anonymous posters who have labelled themselves anti-adoption. It saddens me that on top of dealing with IF and deciding to become an adoptive parent, she now has to defend herself and her decisions. If it were me, I would probably just ignore them but she has responded to them with dignity and respect and I admire her for it. I whole heartedly disagree many of the anti-adoption ideas (yes, I did read up... ) and I'm not going to add my thoughts to that discussion right now but I have difficulty with anti-adoption activists seeking out bloggers and bombarding them with negative comments.

I'm still trying to decide whether to do DIUI #8. There is one more sample left. I guess the big question for me is, should I do it even though I think it will fail?

M has agreed to open the dog discussions after he's on his feet again. This is exciting! Also, only a week and a half after S's cheating-ass bitch of a wife begged him to take her back, he caught her meeting HIM again and finally kicked her out. He seems to finally get it and seems ready to move on. I'm with him all the way.

So that was yesterday. Today looks better, brighter and I just might make it a good one.

Back to it

2008-09-13T11:46:00.002-04:00

It's been a busy week. I've started working again and the week has just flown by. My FIL arrived and has been a big help, cooking suppers and cleaning up after M. Miraculously, M has decided that he CAN do so many things for himself that I was doing for him before. I feel a little bit bad that his dad came all this way to help and now M doesn't need quite as much babysitting.

I am coming to terms with the failure of the cycle. I've been so busy that its been hard to think about it for to long. I need to decide whether we will do one more DIUI cycle or not. If 7 failed, why would one more work?

I got the name of a social worker from a friend and will be looking into starting the adoption process. I know it can take a while so since we aren't able to continue IF treatments right now, we might as well do some paperwork. I've had the social worker's name for 8 months and I think I'm finally ready to explore adoption for real. We plan to try the child services route, first because the cost is government subsidized and second because even though it's hard to get an infant, it does happen and waiting is one thing we do know how to do. If we wait long enough we may have the $$$ by then to adopt privately, internationally, or do an IVF cycle. Lots to think about.

We are going over to R and W's for supper. They are amazing cooks and there is always plenty of wine to go around. I am really looking forward to it.

She rears her evil head

2008-09-09T23:11:00.002-04:00

AF has arrived. I'm so angry. Not even my cat, Charlie, playing the piano (which he is currently doing) can make me feel better. I cried for the first time yesterday. I was precariously curled in M's lap, careful not to hurt his leg. I hate crying.

I cleaned like a mad woman and then got ready for my first day back at work. I really missed those kids. There is something comforting in their innocence. They ALWAYS make me forget for a little while. I love my job.

My FIL is coming tomorrow. I'll be staying with K while he's here. She's just upstairs so really it's just a place to sleep. Also, I think it will be a good break for me.

Bed time.

Crashing

2008-09-08T19:56:00.003-04:00

I feel like my pain is sitting in my throat and whenever I try to speak it makes me want to cry instead. Our friend P came over to visit M today. He brought his 2 1/2 year old who also happens to be our god-daughter. I wish she was a horrible kid because then it would be so easy to swallow the pain and anger that comes up when I see her. But she's not horrible; she is a sweet, energetic, lovable little girl. Her birth marks the 10 month anniversary of her parents meeting. She was a "whoops" baby. Her mother, who only months before told me that she didn't want kids because they were smelly and loud, now wears the halo of the perfect mommy. It just kills me.

I was watching HGTV today (my favorite channel by far) and Sarah Richardson popped up to promote the new season of her show. I love her show but wouldn't you know it, she's pregnant. I can't watch it. I'm so angry. So sad. So frustrated.

I tried to talk to M about a dog today. I had my arguments all prepared but his words were "I really, really want to say yes but I just can't". What the hell does that mean?! We have a big backyard, I work from home, I like to walk and I've had dogs before but because he doesn't and hasn't, he is saying no. I need to baby something, damn it, and you know what it's like trying to get a cat to do anything if it wasn't their idea! Sigh. This sucks.

Doubt creeping in

2008-09-06T11:42:00.002-04:00

I started spotting yesterday and this morning it was more. It's early for AF but I've been this early before. Today is CD 25 I'm trying to not read into it to much but I have to say that I don't have a good feeling about it. I'm feeling pretty discouraged.

The Name Game

2008-09-05T12:20:00.002-04:00

The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Cat Maxima

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Vanilla Kitten Heel

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Aqua Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Dawn Nanaimo

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Jonkr

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Coffee

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Charles James

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Notorious Juice Berries (LOL!)

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Falk Frankfurt

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Lysiantha

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Cherry Capris (I love it!)

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): French Toast Arbutus

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Mitzy Uplands (More porn than anything I think)

Your turn!

Silly story

2008-09-05T10:35:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was looking out my kitchen window and I saw three squirrels desperately trying to break into the netting surrounding my tomato plants. As they circled the plot, I saw one squirrel pick up a clump of dried grass with something shiny in it and carry it from place to place with him. I went out to investigate and to get them away from my tomatoes (last year they stole ALL of them). The squirrel dropped his shiny prize and I picked it up. It was pair of pristine mens Versace glasses! Can you imagine leaving your glasses outside for a minute and having a squirrel scamper off with them! Too funny.

We are closing in on the beta. I've only ever made it to the beta once before. AF is due to arrive on the 9th. Beta is on the 13th. I have progesterone/pregnancy symptoms but I've had that with almost every cycle. I guess we'll see. I've learned not to torture myself playing the symptoms game. Just wait it out.

It still sucks.

On the good news front. FIL is coming for ten days while I get back to work. I'm not sure I could have handled my MIL so this is great. He will be a big help and we get along very well. Other good news that may be TMI...M has now resumed being able to use the toilet over a bedpan. You have no idea the joy and relief this brings me! I don't remember bedpans in the marriage vows ;)

Feelin' the love

2008-09-03T17:50:00.005-04:00

Thank you for all of your kind words of encouragement. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this. I have been a reader in the blog world for a long time and now that I have found my footing, I find being a blogger to be quite therapeutic. A lot has happened today! Here's an update:

1. I took M to his physiotherapy appointment. It was a huge ordeal getting him out of the house and into the car but we did it. We arrived at the appointment only to be told that they didn't like the look of his incision (it has been bleeding on and off) so they sent us to his surgeon's clinic. I load him into the car again and then roll up to the clinic parking lot where a snarky looking women informs me that it will be $4.00 to park. I realize, especially living where I do, that $4.00 is relatively cheap parking for an afternoon but in this case she only took cash. Shit. Do you think that I could scrounge up $4.00? Nope. She made me promise to pay on the way out and in we went. Four hours later...her head is turned and I do something my goody-two shoes conscience will hate me for...I drive right past her booth and step on it. That's right, folks. That's as reckless as I get. Running out on $4.00.

2. We found out that M will be non-load bearing for not 3 but 6 whole weeks. Sigh. Nurse K is on duty, bedpans and all.

3. We actually called my MIL to ask her to fly across the country and help us out when I go back to work next week. I think I have a death wish.

4. S took his cheating-ass bitch of a wife back. This may sound positive but wait...this is the 3rd affair in a 4 year marriage aaaaaaannnnnd she tells him it's his fault for not satisfying her. I don't even know what to say except that I hope I never meet her in a dark alley.

5. I have the cutest cats on the planet and they are one of the only reasons I have to smile lately. This WILL get better.

Plan B...and C...and possibly D

2008-09-02T22:08:00.002-04:00

I met with our Dr. today to discuss our fertility future. She wants us to do one more Puregon cycle if this one fails. I agreed that with the extra sample we already bought, it did make sense. Unfortunately, we don't have the money for Puregon so the only way we would be able to do it would be if the drug were donated (yet again). I wonder if we are a true charity case or if accepting the drug means a more deserving or needy couple will have to go without. In any case should this cycle fail, we'll do one more with either donated Puregon or Clomid. I am so tired of this road. IVF is so far out of reach financially. In fact everything seems pretty far out of reach right now.

Here I am, basically assuming this cycle will fail. What's wrong with me! My Dr. told me to reduce my stress level. I wish I knew how. I have so much on my plate.

I did have some fun today. K decided to join eHarmony and asked me to take a few pictures of her. She is very cautious but I think it's a great move for her. Plus, I think she's a catch! We had a fun photo shoot in the backyard and I thought we got a couple of really good pictures.

Tomorrow, I have to take M to the hospital for an appointment. It should be a bit of an ordeal but if we take it slow, I think getting him there and back should be fine. Men who are 6'9" were not meant to lose the use of one leg!

Fun borrowed book list

2008-08-31T22:55:00.006-04:00

100 Books
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read. (Or just put comments next to them)
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Good day

2008-08-31T19:38:00.003-04:00

I'm down a full size I think. I feel really good....and get this, when I tried to cheat today while out for sushi I got full! By the end of September (if this cycle fails) I hope to be down to a 14 which is what I was the fall after we got married. My goal is a 12 and if things continue they way they have been it is not a stretch to get there for Christmas. A 12 on me (I'm 5'10") is downright svelte;)

K and I went for groceries and I bought M a Wii game to keep him occupied while immobile on the couch. I feel sorry for him. This may sound bad but I am glad it's him and not me. He is pretty good at staying stationary where as I go stir crazy after an hour in one place.

I'm neither here nor there about this cycle. Maybe I am trying not to think about it. I feel the same as every other cycle but it is still early and with my reaction to the progesterone who the hell knows what's what.

Sore boobs and all

2008-08-30T11:11:00.004-04:00

I lost my temper with M yesterday. It seems every cycle he accuses me of being overly pessimistic about the outcome. I believe his exact words are "If you don't think it's going to work, why do we do it?"

I see it as being realistic. After all the odds ARE against us. What makes me so angry and hurt is that his question comes across as him doubting my commitment to the whole IF process. Do you think I would pump myself full of drugs and sit with my feet in stirrups far to often for nothing?! I tried to explain that the "realism" is simply a safeguard for me. I am simply trying to make it hurt a little bit less when a cycle doesn't work. I don't know. I know no one is reading this but do you think realism can sabotage a cycle? I sure as hell don't. It is out of my hands. It will happen or it won't.

My boobs feel like they are going to explode. This is normal for me on the progesterone but it's still uncomfortable. 14 days to go until beta. I usually get AF before then. I guess we'll see.

After we had calmed down and worked things out, I talked to M about getting a dog if this cycle doesn't work. For the first time he didn't immediately shoot the idea down. This makes me hopeful. I need something to look forward to if we are going to put IF on the back burner. Here are my two hopes:

1. This cycle works and our dream comes true.

2. In the event of this cycle failing I am able to bring home a love hungry pooch who will hang on my every word and force me to go outside.

I don't think that is to much to ask.

Drugs suck unless they work

2008-08-27T12:19:00.003-04:00

It turns out that Crinone (besides being very pricy compared to prometrium) has the same effect on me. I feel like I'm walking around with a bag on my head.

M is driving me a little banana's. I know he can't help it but I'm not sure I can do this without any help. I can't wait until he is more mobile. The things I need help with aren't really things you want friends helping with. Remind me not to be a nurse or home care worker. Bedpans are not my specialty.

I'm going to make a yummy veggie lasagne for supper. S is coming over and he's in the middle of a horrible break up with his cheating-ass bitch (excuse my harshness) of a wife. I thought he could uses a good meal. That seems to be my caregiving style...just feed 'em and everything will be ok. LOL

Speaking of food, I am down 12 pounds on WW. I'm proud of myself for not cheating even through this stressful time when it is so tempting. I am very determined to look and feel better and so far I am VERY happy with the results.

Here we go again...

2008-08-26T12:12:00.003-04:00

Today was the big day. DI number 7. I think the nurse could tell I was tired and not to excited about the whole thing. She said she understood how hard it was to imagine it working. I'm glad she said that rather than telling me to think positively. Sometimes that is so hard to do and you end up exhausted just trying to see the bright side in a shitty situation. I start Crinone this evening which is new. I've always use Prometrium as a progesterone suppliment but it had terrible side effects for me so I'm hoping the Crinone is better. M's family has once again come through financially. I hate having to accept it but the truth is that we need it and they are allowing us this last chance at DI for a while. My beta will be on Sept. 13. Cross your fingers.

M is home from the hospital. I feel like I haven't sat down for more that 10 minutes. He is almost completely immobile which means he needs me and I can't get away very often or for very long. He is handling it quite well though needs to be told to sleep. I suppose this is practice for a baby if we have one!

I'm so tired and am trying not to to think of the weeks and weeks of this that I have to look forward to. Time for that decaf coffee that's been calling me...mmmm.

2008-08-22T21:02:00.002-04:00

M went in for knee surgery today...6am to be exact. So here I sit at home alone....a little bit drunk and a lot stressed out. The surgery went well but there were some complications in recovery. He stopped breathing. I don't think there was ever real danger because he was being monitored but it was really scary just the same. I ended up at the hospital for 12 hours straight.

I know I need sleep. I know I need to be up for 6:15 but I can't shut my brain off.

Tactless people...wtf!

2008-08-21T15:16:00.004-04:00

I just had a meeting with a parent who wanted to enroll her son in piano lessons for the fall. I was a little uneasy from the beginning of my contact with her as she seemed to have a million questions which isn't a bad thing only she wouldn't listen when I gave her the answers.

So as we were chatting about music lessons, she looks at my belly and asks "are you going to have a baby?". WTF! I answered no and turned the subject back to music but instead of letting it go or apologizing she jumped in again with "Oh, I guess you could be and just not telling anyone! *wink *" I stated again that I was NOT pregnant and we continued with the meeting. The whole time all I wanted to do was scream at her but instead I was professional and finish the meeting.

I...am...so...angry! Why can't people just think before the say stupid things!

Let's pretend...

2008-08-21T09:59:00.002-04:00

I had a VERY good dream last night. It was very emotional but maybe it means something? I dreamt that I had an amazing connection with a beautiful man. There was no sex but it felt unbelievable just to be with him, just to touch him. The interesting part is that he was a cancer patient and when we were around other people he completely denied knowing me. Weird. Dreams are strange, especially when you write them down the morning after!

I am going to hang on to today with dear life and pretend that tomorrow I don't have to get up at 5am and drive M to the hospital. I then have to drive back into downtown for b/w at 7am and then BACK to the hospital hopefully before M goes into surgery. The nurse at the hospital told me to expect to be there all day so I'd better pack a bag of things to read.

...but like I said, today is about pretending that tomorrow isn't happening. I am going to have a fabulous cup of coffee and clean up my studio for the students tonight. I might even go eat lunch on the patio.

Back again

2008-08-19T18:51:00.005-04:00

So here I am again, almost a year later. I'm not sure why I didn't continue writing after the first post. Life gets in the way I guess. We are about to attempt our 7th donor IUI. This time with more drugs. We've decided this will be the last IUI before moving on to IVF. The injections aren't bad. Not fun either. I'm proud of myself for giving myself a needle! I am trying to remain optimistic. If this IUI doesn't work we will be taking an extended break before attempting IVF. With M trying to finish his PhD it is just not financially viable to continue. It really feels like shutting a door and that is scary

This will be a hectic week. M is going for major knee surgery right around the time that I start the daily b/w and u/s. I'm trying my best just to breath through it all but I admit I am stressed. We are both scared of the surgery. It is a 3-4 month recovery and I worry about being able to help him through it. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the accountant and I feel disorganized. I should have time to gather everything after my early morning b/w. I hate dealing with money.

It has been a good summer. We've done a lot of fun things and for the most part it has been very care free. I feel so lucky to have a job that allows me 8 weeks off. I needed it. September is going to hit me hard I think. Even though I am looking forward to seeing all the kids, I worry about my lack of energy and also worried that if this cycle doesn't work, I will be in a bad headspace to jump into full time work again. In the end I'll just get through I guess. I have 'til now and I'm still here and manage to laugh on a regular basis. Here we go...

Hello?

2007-09-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

I am going to assume that you don't know me. If you think you do, please don't let on. This is far more for my benefit than anything else. I've been inspired by another blogger and I hope that this serves as an outlet for the mess that flies around in my head. Here is a brief summary of the recent events in my life.

When my husband and I married in 2002 we agreed to wait three years before having children. I, however, heard motherhood calling about a year into our marriage. After much convincing on my part, we decide that I would go off birth control and half-heartedly tried the rhythm method. We moved across the country, I started an exciting new business and we kind of put in at the back of our minds. We went on like this until January 2006. We both had a feeling that it was no fluke that I wasn't getting pregnant. I went through the myriad of tests; HSG, blood tests, ultrasounds, but came up with nothing. Finally, my fertility specialist decided to test my husband. I remember, after they requested a second semen sample, the Dr. called us and asked us to come in. She explained that my husband's sperm count was 0. We were devastated. My husband decide to try a testicular biopsy but that also came up negative for any sperm.

We are now in the process of using donor sperm. I am on my 2nd non-medicated IUI. I am supposed to get my period either tomorrow or Sat. I am filled with doubt. After the the 1st attempt failed, I took a nose dive. I felt so hopeless. Will this ever work? I am so tired of people telling to stay positive. Do they not realize that I have wanted to be a mom for 4 years? I feel like every friend of ours that gets pregnant and shares how it was their "first try!" is getting farther and farther from us because I just can be around that with out feeling like crying. I knew that I would be sad in this process but what I didn't expect was the anger.

Whew! How's that for a first post!? Onward.